


just a dash of regret

by oops_I_lost_my_marbles



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Also suicide, Beware, I literally hate her, I'm Sorry, Oneshot, POV First Person, Read at Your Own Risk, based on a nightmare i had, i need some sleep, lila is my least favorite character, slightly aged up au, so this is a little angsty, somebody should take my computer away from me, there is implied rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24309466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oops_I_lost_my_marbles/pseuds/oops_I_lost_my_marbles
Summary: Marinette didn't know what to expect when she attended Alya's birthday party. The last thing on her mind was her own murder. However, when she discovers that not everything is as it initially seems, she comes back as a ghost and works together with an unlikely ally to get justice.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56





	just a dash of regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Fancy seeing you here:)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING. 
> 
> A quick note: this story is definitely more mature than my other works. Read at your own risk. There are references to both suicide and rape, which can be triggering for some. Check out some of my other works for something a little more light-hearted if this doesn't interest you.
> 
> If you're still here, I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Comment and leave kudos, it's always appreciated <3
> 
> Enjoy!

_ I should have never come to this party. _

I stood in a swirling mass of people, some of which I recognized to my dismay. It was too loud and I did not want to be there. Except, of course, that it was my best friend’s birthday, so I  _ had _ to be there.

Alya was the sort of girl who, even though she was friends with me, was still popular. She had a charming smile and a way with people that they just clicked instantly. I wished I was her. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a straight-A student, and I have a loving mom and friend. I live a normal life, and I stuck to the shadows from Alya’s spotlight. I tried to slip by unnoticed.

Unfortunately, that didn’t work. As soon as Lila started coming to school two years ago, everything I thought I knew got flipped. I was just managing to get Chloe under control, with the help of Alya, when Lila appeared. She was a whole new brand of  _ mean _ .

People who had previously never talked to me, or even  _ looked _ at me, really, began to stare and whisper. I could only imagine what Lila was telling them about me. Of course, she had cornered me in the bathrooms numerous times, threatening me to stay out of the way, and not to fight back. Trembling with fear, I had vowed to never get in her way, and then I had slipped out.

Now, I wished I could find some way to worm myself out of this party. There were too many people, too close, and I couldn’t even find Alya. I was feeling self-conscious, cursing Alya for convincing me to wear a dress this short. I hated every second of this night. Little did I know it would be getting immeasurably worse.

At some point, I got squished into a dark corner and someone that I couldn’t make out got pressed against me. Something sharp poked my arm, but I couldn’t move it because it was trapped between the other person and the wall. I couldn’t help but think that it was a needle, and I struggled to pull away. After a few seconds, I managed to pull free and worm my way out of the corner. I rubbed my arm, sincerely hoping that I didn’t just get injected with something.

I was too busy trying not to step on people’s toes that I hardly noticed when someone was walking past with a tray of drinks. One second, I was minding my own business. The next, I was covered in a gallon’s worth of fruit punch spiked with who knows what else.

_ Fantastic, _ I thought. I mumbled a quick, “Sorry-” 

Then I met his eyes.  _ Green, like freshly cut grass _ . Of course, it was Adrien, Chloe’s partner in crime, and residential pain in the ass. He glared at me and said, “You better be.”

He shoved past me, and I continued on looking for an exit or at least a bathroom so that I could clean up.  _ This night just keeps getting better. _

Finally, I found the front door and slipped through it. I sent a quick mental apology to Alya and made my way home. Luckily, I only lived two blocks away from Alya’s house, so it was a short walk. I couldn’t help but feel like someone was watching me, but I shook it off and continue walking.

Continuing along the sidewalk, I began to feel dizzy. I chalked it up to hunger. 

By the time I trudged up my front steps, shaking from the chilliness of the night’s air and the drink fiasco, I was really looking forward to a hot shower. 

Of course, my front door was locked. It was just me and my mom in this small house, and she was probably out getting groceries or something. It was nothing out of the usual.

I walked to the side of the house and swung open the fence gate. It was unlocked, so I made my way through the stone path, swearing at my high-heels, up to the back patio. My head began to pound, so I rubbed my temple with my thumb. It was then when I heard the gate creak open again when my blood ran cold. “Hello?”

Nobody responded.

“Mom, is that you?”

Nothing. 

It was much too dark to see anything, so I continued up the patio to the back door. Walking up the steps was no easy task. I felt as if I were underwater. The door wasn’t locked, but it was jammed on something, and my heart involuntarily sped up. Frustrated, I murmured, “Come on, come on…”

“Hi, Marinette,” said a voice I  _ never _ wanted to hear again. It sounded too fake and sugar-coated.

Frantically, I tried pulling the door open with sheer force. It refused to budge. I whipped around, flattening myself against the door and trying to see where she was standing. “What do you want?”

“Oh, I think you  _ know _ what I want.” Lila giggled.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up. “Look, I’m sorry about whatever I did-”

“I’m afraid ‘sorry’ won’t cut it this time, love.” I could hear her sickening sweet smile.

I felt woozy with fear. My mind wouldn’t think up one normal thought, and I kept shifting between fight and flight. The Ladybug in me said I should hold my ground, while Marinette screamed  _ submit to whatever they want _ . In the end, Marinette won; she always did. 

“What-” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat. “What do you mean?”

Suddenly, another masculine voice whispered in my ear, “She means you have to pay.”

I jumped about five feet into the air. I didn’t know Kim, Lila’s latest lackey, was here with her. He and someone on my other side grabbed my arms and dragged me off my patio.

“If you scream, we’ll kill you,” Lila smirked.

“Where’re you taking me?” I slurred. I felt drugged. My heart didn’t stop accelerating. 

In response, Lila merely giggled. I think it was then when I started worrying for my life.

My brain chose that moment to abandon me. I felt as if I had been pushed underwater, sinking rapidly. My vision shook, and I faded in and out of consciousness. “Wha-”

I remember falling to my knees. The two people holding me swore and dragged me to my feet, but I was limp. One of them mumbled, “-must be the drugs.”

The next few events happened in flashes: Lila smiled. They propped me up against a tree in my densely-forested backyard. Kim tugged my dress off. 

I tried to fight, but my words weren’t working, and my body felt like jello.

I didn’t remember anything after that, except someone’s body pressed up against mine.

I was stuck screaming in my head.

The last thing I saw was bright green eyes, then I was immersed in darkness.

* * *

When I finally woke up, everything seemed too fluid. The world around me was brighter than I remembered, and I remember lying there, taking a minute to stare at the vibrant tree leaves. Then I remembered what had happened, but only in bursts.  _ Lila. _

I got to my feet, shakily, finding that I was wearing the same dress from the party.  _ What happened last night? _

_ Why am I still wearing this dress..? _

Shocked, I found yellow caution tape surrounding the area I was in. I carefully climbed over it and walked up to my patio. Mom was standing there, crying. I froze. “Mom, what’s wrong?” She didn’t answer me, probably because she was sobbing too hard. 

It was then when I spotted all of the police officers scattered all over our backyard. I walked up to the nearest officer, who was standing by my mom. “Excuse me, officer. Would you mind telling me what’s going on?”

He offered my mom a tissue. “Ms. Dupain-Cheng, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing we could’ve done.”

She sobbed more in response. “Oh, my baby. My baby.”

I walked over to her and reached out to grab her hand. “Mom-”

I froze. My arm went right through hers. I recoiled and gasped. 

“She wouldn’t do it. I know her.”

The officer offered a sorrowful smile. “Sometimes suicide is unexpected.”

I paused. My eyes widened.  _ Suicide? _

“Hold on-” I blurted.

Mom’s eyes were determined as she said, “My Marinette wouldn’t slit her own wrists.”

My heart stopped. “What-”

The officer started leading Mom away, and I followed. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Wait,” I gasped. “I’m alive. I’m right here. Mom, look at me. Look at me.” By then, tears were streaming down my face. “I didn’t kill myself.”

I didn’t get a response. After a few minutes of wandering around in mute shock, I realized that  _ no one _ could see me. I perched on the patio steps, trying to piece together my thoughts as an officer walked by. 

“Yes, I’m at the Dupain-Cheng house,” he announced into a walkie-talkie. “Here’s what we know so far: The daughter, Marinette, committed suicide. Her body has been lying in the forested backyard for almost four days. The autopsy came back clean: it was a suicide. Her wrists were slit, there were no signs of struggle, and her systems were clear of drugs.” He paused. “Yeah, I know. It’s terrible. We’re heading back to the station now.”

With that, he walked away. I was still numb with shock. I  _ wasn’t _ dead. I was sitting right here. 

And I definitely didn’t kill myself.

* * *

Four days later, I attended my own funeral. It was a small ceremony. My mom cried, surrounded by some of my relatives. Alya was there. 

I had realized by now that no one could hear or see me. I was a ghost.

I walked over to Alya. “Hey, Alya.” I took a breath and looked up at her. “Sorry about all this. I didn’t want to upset you. Honestly, I don’t know what happened. But I didn’t do it.”

Alya wasn’t sobbing like my mother. Instead, silent tears dripped down her face. Her shoulders didn’t shake; she held her head strong. Somehow, seeing her like this hurt more.

“I’m a terrible friend. I was a wimp.” I felt tears threatening to spill. “I never told you about Lila. I guess you were too caught up in her lies and I was afraid.”

I took a breath and continued. “Please, stay with my mom. This is hard on her. After dad’s suicide… this has to hurt a lot.” I was crying now. “I didn’t mean to… I don’t know how…”

I reached over to give her a hug. “Alya, I miss you more than anything. I loved you.” I bit my lip, not meaning to let the confession slip out. “I-”

Suddenly, I felt a cold presence behind me. Someone whispered, “I thought I killed you.”

I got goosebumps and whipped around. “Who-”

Adrien stood there, shocked. I gasped before I realized that he couldn’t see me. There was no way he could see me, I was fine. 

_ If he can’t see me, why is he staring into my eyes? _

I walked away to go clear my head, leaving the churchyard. Unfortunately, he followed. “Are you real? Am I hallucinating?”

I turned around, tears still stinging my eyes. “I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“How can I see you?” His eyes widened. “Are you a ghost?”

“You think I know?” I gasped, holding back a sob. “The last thing I remember is something so terrible that I hope it isn’t true. Now, I wake up and my mom is crying, I apparently committed suicide, and I’m stuck screaming in my own head.” I stopped my rant. “What do you mean you killed me?”

He turned away. “I didn’t want to do it.”

“What did you do?” When he didn’t respond, I reached out for his arm. My hand went through it. “Adrien. You have to tell me.”

When he faced me again, his eyes were full of pain. “Lila… she-” He abruptly stopped. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Look, I’m dead. You can’t change it. You owe me the truth about my own death, at least.”

He sighed. “Not here. Meet me at the old diner on 4th street tomorrow at noon.”

“Why can’t you just tell me?”

“Someone might overhear.” He turned and headed back into the churchyard.

“You coward!” I screamed. “What did you do? Why did you do it? Why am I dead?” He didn’t say anything. I chased him back up the hill. I sobbed, “Why...?”

He didn’t look at me again.

* * *

With nothing else to do, I wandered the streets. I came across a television playing the news in a restaurant, and I gasped. 

“Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen,” Nadja Chamack greeted. “I have some startling news. Chat Noir has still seen no sign of Ladybug. It has been just over a week since she went missing. If you see Ladybug, call local authorities  _ immediately _ .” 

Tears pricked my eyes once again. No one would be finding Ladybug ever again. She was gone. I instantly felt sad for Chat Noir.  _ Poor kitty… I shouldn’t have left him like this. He doesn’t deserve this pain. _

_ I wish I could change everything. _

* * *

The next day, I wandered into the diner at noon. I felt like I hadn’t slept in days. That was mostly true. I couldn’t seem to sleep as a ghost. Not only that, but my body was becoming more visually transparent. I was fading away.

Adrien was standing by the counter holding a milkshake. When I met his eyes, they were red-rimmed and bloodshot. I sucked in a breath. “Tell me.”

He walked out of the diner and into an alleyway on the side. He perched on a wooden crate. “I’m so sorry,” he said, finally. “Lila…”

Curiosity overcame my remorse. Sure, I knew Lila’s manipulative tactics first hand, but that didn’t excuse  _ murder _ . 

“She told me that if I didn’t do it, she’d hurt… someone very dear to me worse.”

“So that validates my death? This person is worth more than me?”

A teardrop made its way down his cheek. “I can’t say much.”

“Yes, you can. And you will.” I looked into his eyes. “I’m dead, remember?”

He sighed. “She threatened to kill Ladybug.”

I gasped.  _ She really was going to kill me no matter what. _

“And I don’t know what happened. She said she wouldn’t do anything, and now Ladybug is missing, and I just… I can’t handle this anymore. I’ve always hated myself, but this is just over the top. I’m done. I don’t have anyone left and I hate myself.”

I inhaled. “What happened the night I died?”

He shook his head. “Something terrible.”

“Tell me.” I gritted my teeth together. “You have to.”

He shied away from my glare. “Lila...drugged you with something. I don’t remember the name. Then we followed you home-”

“Who’s ‘we’?”

“Kim, Lila, and I.”

_ I knew it. _

“She told us to grab you and drag you into the woods. We did.” He collected himself as best he could. “Then Kim…” He slumped, putting his head into his hands.

I sucked in a breath. “I remember bits and pieces. Did he…?”

“Yes.” Adrien sobbed. “Yes, he did. And I hated every second of it and I begged them to stop but they wouldn’t and then-”

“That bastard,” I said through clenched teeth. “What did I ever do to him?”

“Nothing. Lila just told him to do it, and he obliged.” Adrien rubbed his eyes. “I punched him for it. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I-”

“What did you do?”

“She handed me a razor blade. She told me to-” He broke off, sobbing.

I lowered my head.  _ There it is. Lila’s final victory over me. She’ll never get blamed because it wasn’t even her who did it. _

“Marinette, you don’t know how sorry I am.”

I didn’t respond. After a while, Adrien walked away, leaving me alone.

* * *

I got to my feet after seeing a black shadow dash across the mouth of the alleyway. Of course, I was a ghost, so I was fine.  _ Who is it? _ Following with curiosity, I was stunned to find Chat Noir leaning against the wall, crying. “Chat Noir-”

He turned towards me. “Who are you?”

I froze. “You can see me, too?”

He seemed to be searching for something to say. “...yes? Was I not supposed to?”

I frowned. “I don’t know if you’ve seen the news-”

At that he flinched. 

“-but my name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I was the one who committed suicide.”

“You’re a ghost?” He wondered.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.” He looked at me for a second. “Why did you do it?”

“I didn’t. Someone else killed me and staged it to be a suicide.”   
  


He flinched again. “Can I help with anything? I can bring this guy down if you want…?”

“No,” I sighed. “There’s nothing you can do.”

After a moment of comfortable silence, he mumbled, “You haven't happened to see Ladybug lately, have you?”

I shook my head. “No, sorry.” We stood by each other, staring at the city around us. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated secrets. “Chat, I lied. I do know where she is.”

He met my eyes and gasped, “Really? Where?”

I swallowed audibly. “She’s dead.”

“No…” He gasped again, tears bubbling up in his eyes. “How...”

I met his eyes. Both of us were in pain. “She was murdered. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it.”

“I didn’t know…”

I sat in silence. 

“Did you know her?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

He looked at me. “Have you seen her? Like, as a ghost or whatever?”

Tears spilled down my face. “I  _ am _ her, kitty.”

He gasped, horrified. “No.”

“I’m sorry I had to leave you this way.” I smiled sadly.

He didn’t say anything. He just sat there, sobbing. Finally, he said, “I killed you.”

I mentally processed that. “What?”

“God damn it!” He screamed, then he detransformed. I choked on air. “I thought I was saving you! And I just fucking killed you!”

I was speechless. We stared at each other, crying, with nothing else to say.

* * *

When I wandered back to the alley the next morning, I found Adrien, still asleep. After a quick glance at my hand, I determined that I was fading away even more. I could barely make out the blurry thing known as my hand in the direct sunlight.

I softly called to Adrien, “Hey, wake up. He stirred, and I sat next to him. He didn’t say anything in greeting. “You have to tell Alya and my mom.”   
  


He looked at me, confused. “What?”

I played with a strand of my hair. “I don’t care if no one else knows, but they have to know the truth. You owe them that.”

“No, I don’t think I could do that.”

“You have to,” I muttered. We listened as a gust of wind blew past.

“Did you mean what you said at the churchyard?” He asked, and I paled. “Did you really love Al-”

“Adrien?” A voice called. My heart sped up. _ Good timing. _

“Oh, hey, Alya.” Adrien got to his feet. “How are you holding up?”

She shrugged. Her eyes were puffy. “About as well as you, I guess.” She paused. “Were you sleeping here?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, eyeing me. “I had some things on my mind. I guess I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

She nodded. “I think I know how you feel.”

He gestured to the stack of boxes in the alleyway. “Can we talk for a minute?”

“Sure.” She nodded again. 

I followed, listening intently. I yearned for Alya. I missed her so much and it hurt me to see her in so much pain.

“It’s so hard to believe that she’s gone…”

“I know.” Adrien stared at me. “If she were here one last time, what would you want to say to her?”

I looked at Alya and saw tears streaming down her face. “I guess I would say that I miss her so much… and that she was so dear to me…” She gulped. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I would do anything to go back in time and comfort her some more, make sure she was ok…god, I’m such a crappy friend.”

“No,” I whispered. “You were the best friend a girl could have.”

Adrien stewed in this. “I think she understands. It wasn’t your fault and I don’t think you could’ve prevented it.”

Alya turned to him. “Thanks, Adrien.” They shared a tender moment. Alya reached over to Adrien and hugged him. “I miss her so much.”

“Me, too,” Adrien said, holding back tears. 

She pulled back slightly, and her eyes went to his lips. My mouth formed an ‘o’ as she leaned forward. I lunged to stop them too late. 

There it was, my best friend and the love of my life, kissing one of the boys who had killed me. I recoiled. “No…”

Suddenly, I ran. I bolted away. I couldn’t take it anymore.  _ Please, just let me fade away. I don’t want to be here anymore. _ I ran until I got lost, ending up at a park I faintly recognized. I hid under the shade of a tree and curled into a ball. Finally alone, I sobbed.  _ Why did this have to happen to me? _

Sometime later, Adrien ran up to me. “Marinette, I’m sorry…”

I flinched away from him. “Doesn’t matter. I’m dead anyway, right?”

His eyes settled on me. “You’re fading. I can see right through you.”

“Yeah, I’ll be gone soon,” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry.” He said. I wanted to believe him. After a while, he got to his feet. “I’m going to go tell your mom and Alya the truth.”

I didn’t say anything. After a while, I stood up and began walking in the general direction of my house. It took me a while, but I got there. I looked through the front window, spotting Adrien, Alya, and Mom.

I was just in time to see Mom slap a hand over her mouth and Alya lash out to hit Adrien. I drew close enough to hear my mom say, “My baby…” before my hearing stopped. I rubbed my ear, wondering what was going on. 

I numbly shuffled into the house, and Adrien met my eyes. I squinted my eyes shut as feedback sounded in my ears. He reached out to me. My vision began spotting, and I fell to my knees. Suddenly, Alya and Mom looked over at me, startled. 

“Marinette?” My mom whispered. 

Alya crawled over to me. “Hey, you’re going to be ok.”

I winced as my hearing and vision worsened. I looked at my arm to see it fading away, starting at my fingertips. I croaked, “I’m sorry…”

Then, everything faded away to nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought! I appreciate feedback, whether it's kudos or comments:)


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